Vaseline for Halloween


This Halloween, if you want to please everyone, you should probably just hand out little tubs of Vaseline.  Why, you might ask?  Well, after consulting with the Emmaus House (one of the LVC houses) this evening, I learned that Vaseline – or petroleum jelly – has an incredible number of uses.  I’ve included a list below of some of my favorites:

  • skin cream to keep away those wrinkles – petroleum jelly is approved by the FDA as an over-the-counter skin protectant
  • chapstick – a constant necessity
  • makeup remover – doesn’t sting the eyes, which is a big plus!
  • speaking of remover…can remove stains from furniture
  • may as well be sunscreen
  • good for bike chains or other WD-40-type needs
  • and of course, let’s not forget Vaseline as a “personal lubricant,” though it is not to be used with condoms, as it negatively reacts to latex

And of course, if the above suggestions weren’t useful enough, here are a few more of the oh-so-strange ways that Vaseline can be incredibly useful:

  • according to Wikipedia, “when used in a 50/50 mixture with pure beeswax, it makes an effective moustache wax”
  • useful for a smoother experience of completing the Rubik’s Cube, greasing up the joints
  • for use by long distance (typically male) runners to prevent their nipples from chapping/bleeding from their shirt rubbing their chest over time
  • used to spread on teeth in order to force someone to smile (common in beauty pageants and gymnastics)
  • as a pumpkin sealer after a freshly carved Halloween pumpkin – the petroleum jelly will keep the pumpkin edges from shriveling so quickly

Despite all of these incredibly versatile uses of our favorite kind of jelly, Wikipedia (a highly regarded source!) warns that “its folkloric medicinal value as a ‘cure-all’ has since been limited by better scientific understanding of appropriate and inappropriate uses.”  Believe it or not, there are inappropriate ways to use Vaseline:

  • a common mistake, Vaseline should not be used for burns of any kind, not even sunburn, as it traps heat
  • inhaling Vaseline as an attempt to cure nasal congestion will only give you more problems, like lipid pneumonia
  • again, petroleum jelly + latex = a ruptured condom = not what you want

The other downfall that we must remember is that petroleum jelly is made from a non-renewable resource, which in and of itself is a problem.  Lucky for us, the Green Movement is (once again) one step ahead, creating hybrid petroleums that mix a low percentage of petroleum with a high percentage of renewable oils such as vegetable oils and waxes.  Check out for your more environmentally friendly personal care items.

What more can I say about Vaseline??  Nothing, really.  So I’ll leave you with a joke:

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”

“We use it for sex.” The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, “Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.”

Happy Halloween…


One thought on “Vaseline for Halloween

  1. Who inhales vaseline?? Just wondering.

    I know a girl who thinks of ghosts
    She’ll make ya breakfast
    She’ll make ya toast
    She don’t use butter
    She don’t use cheese
    She don’t use jelly
    Or any of these
    She uses vaseline…

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